A Doper’s Guide to Fitness by Tommy Chong
It’s strange that a doper comedian like myself is writing about fitness. Most people think that dopers and good health don’t’ go together. It’s like expecting neo-Nazis to drink lite beer during Oktoberfest. But I figure if Howard Stern can write a best-seller, I can write about something I’ve been doing for the past thirty-five years without going blind. That’s right, folks. Since I was sixteen years old, I’ve been pumping iron, and still found time to work out with dope, booze, and women. If you intellectuals think that a dope is the kid who flunked third grade six times, you’re not so intellectual. A doper is someone whose addiction to illegal substances has prevented him or her from keeping fit. Not me. The trick is to think backwards. I didn’t let keeping fit prevent me from keeping from becoming addicted to illegal substances.
I have developed a philosophy of living that I call DF, short for Debauched Fitness. I’m living proof that there’s no inherent contradiction in staying in shape and going to pot, only a mild schizophrenia which can be controlled with a prescription drug from the night doctor. Even the hippest people have some kind of fitness routine. The key is circulation; the body’s digestive tract is like a sewer system. If you don’t exercise, you get blocked up, and if you get blocked up, you can’t snort or inhale without risking severe trouser damage. Next time you need cash to make a buy, don’t drive to your ATM machine — run. While you’re there you’ll probably meet some low life who’ll try to rob you, giving you another opportunity to run. Running is good for circulation, and circulation is the key to DF.
Once you begin to exercise on a consistent basis, your body will reach a state known as the runner’s high. This happens even if your exercise isn’t running. The great thing about runner’s high is that it’s another addiction. And it’s legal. This confirms the inherent logic of DF — drugs and health are both addictive. Breathing is also important, or as dopers prefer to call it, inhaling.
Finally, moderation is the key. Always do everything in moderation unless it feels so good you don’t want to stop. This is okay. Listen to your body, which has natural mechanisms designed to tell you when to stop. It will say, “You have reached a state of stupor, and it’s time to pass out.” And you do. It’s as simple as that.
Remember, it took years to get into the miserable shape you’re in, and it’s gonna take a while before your Flabio is transformed into Fabio. Be patient. It’s worth it. DF is the wave of the future, and the surf’s up.